My Mark on the World

MY MARK ON THE WORLD</u>

Life ain’t fair and everybody knows it.  It ain’t written in stone or nothin’ but everyone knows it’s true.  It’s what they call a “universal truth”.

See this door here?  It’s a freaking bloody mess.  Cops come first and usually there’s a body, alive or dead don’t matter, they come to find out what happened and who did it.  Then the crime scene guys come.  It’s their job to find out how it was done, what ever ‘it’ is that day.

If they find the perp, if they don’t, if they have a trial or don’t, sooner or later they do what is called “release the scene”, which is just a fancy way of sayin’ they don’t need to comeback, they got all they need.

Now here’s the real kick in the pants, all of them cops, detectives, crime scene guys comin’ in and out of your home and do any of them clean up the mess?  No.  They leave the cleanin’ up to the home owner, like they haven’t suffered enough right?  Like moppin’ up their loved one’s blood and all that black finger printing dust is their idea of a good time.  Well it ain't.  That’s where I come in.  My name’s Carl and I clean up crime scenes.  The problem now is, that’s my blood down there and without me there to help her, my wife’s a wreck.

Look at her down there in the dark, curled up on my old lazy boy like a baby in its mother’s arms.  She ain't moved since she got back from the hospital.  That’s her sister there on the couch, same banana curls in her naturally auburn hair, same green eyes, just two years age difference between ‘em, my Sara bein’ the younger one.

“Come on Sara, please, you’ve got to eat, its been five days!  Carl would never want you to be doing this to yourself.” Joanne is right, if I was there… well it don’t matter what I’d do if I were there, I’m stuck here, in limbo.  That ain’t right neither.  I seen Ghost, yeah you heard right, I’m secure enough in my manhood to admit I saw the occasional chick flick with my girl, and what I’m goin’ through ain't nothin’ like that movie.

No sittin’ close and watchin’ her, no spookin’ the cat, no affectin’ the real world, none of that.  I’m sittin’ up here kinda like on the roof lookin’ down on her, stuck in this damned room.  It’s more like them ghost stories you hear about where someone dies in a place and they haunt it, but so far it don’t seem like I can do any hauntin’ either.  Just sittin’, and watchin’, no takin’ part in the events.

I guess it’s kinda like my life.  Always seein’ what happened but never doing nothin’.  At least when I was alive I cleaned up after those who did stuff, here I can’t even do that.  I guess death ain't anymore fair then life was.

Maybe that’s why I’m stuck here like this.  I didn’t leave any mark in life to say “I was here, and this is what I done”.  I didn’t leave squat for people to remember me by.  Sure Sara will remember me, but after a while I’ll fade out of her mind, not completely, but not enough of me will stay there to make a difference.  Guess I wasn’t good or bad enough to go to heaven or hell so I’m stuck here in this room.  That’s gonna suck.

The phone’s ringing again, she won’t answer it, too many callers, it’s overwhelming my poor Sara, they just won’t leave her alone.  At first it was mostly friends and family, but now it’s the vultures, news reporters wanting a byline.  They want to know if the guy who the cops caught is someone we know, an enemy of mine, a lover of hers.  Damned soulless bastards, they should rot in hell.  Joanne answers as usual since “that day”.  I’m sure glad she came down.  They were real close ‘till Jo moved to Philly cause of Grant’s job.  Grant’s  an ok fella’ too, they got three kids and he didn’t give Jo grief about leavin’ them with him, not wanting to stress out Sara anymore than she already is.  He knows Sara’s been on infertility meds for just about a year and has been really down about it lately, he prolly didn’t want to shove the kids in her face, reminding her about what else she don’t got other than me.

“Sara, it’s Manny, he wants to know if its ok for him to come over in ten minutes?”  Manny was my partner.  I’m glad its gonna be him, not another stranger in our house like she’s been gettin’ all week.

“Yeah,” Sara had to say because Joanne didn’t see her nod.

I’m glad the mess will be cleaned up soon.  She won’t leave my lazy boy and that means she’s in here with all this shit, and I know it don’t smell good.  The cops caught the guy just under two days after it happened and the CSI guys got him nailed to the scene hard, there won’t be any doubt in the jury, I made sure of that.  Knowin’ what I do about how all this stuff works I knew that the guy had to leave evidence, and lots of it.  I pulled out some of his hair, fought back hard enough to split his lip and leave his blood, all kinds of stuff like that.  If I was gonna go down, I was gonna make damned sure everyone was clear who did it.  This mornin’ they “released the scene”.

Another damned phone call, why wont they leave my Sara alone?  Joanne to the rescue again, “Sara, honey, you should take this call.”  Joanne wouldn’t let just anyone through so Sara agrees and takes the receiver from her.

After a quick greeting Sara gets silent, listening to who ever it is on the other end.  I can’t hear who it is and it pisses me off cause I can hear my girl gasp.  Damn it Baby!  I’m so sorry I ain’t there for you.  If I wasn’t already dead, seein’ her go through all this woulda killed me.  No! Oh God!  Baby don’t cry!

She’s lookin’ at Joanne in the strangest way and without another word hangs up the phone slowly.  I don’t think I ever seen that look before.

“I’m pregnant!” She whispers, “We did it JoJo!  Carl and I finally got pregnant!”

She, she, my God!  My girl’s pregnant!  I’m gonna be a daddy!  Wait.  No.  I ain’t gonna be there, my kid won’t have a father.

“Oh JoJo!  I can hardly believe it.  Just when I thought I’d lost every thing of Carl, I get this wonderful gift, a miracle, our baby!”  She looks up at the ceiling, just like she sees me, but she can’t, can she?  “Oh Carl, I love you so much, I miss you so much.  But I’ll make you proud!  I promise!  I’ll tell stories of you every day so our baby will know you.”

I love and miss you too Sara, you’ll be a wonderful Mother, the best ever.

Look at them huggin’, I know she’d rather be huggin’ me, but I can see now I ain't gonna fade out of her life, she ain’t gonna forget me, and I did leave somethin’ good behind after all.

Manny’s here, I’d know that “shave and a haircut” knock anywhere.  This is great, in a few hours Sara will have the gore of my death out of her life and she can start fresh, hopefully rememberin’ all the good times we had.

He’s havin’ the girls leave, says it’s bad for them to breathin’ the chemicals we use to clean up, and its true, but the real reason we make ‘em leave is so they don’t gotta watch the blood comin up.  I swear I don’t know how the two of ‘em sat in that room with the smell, but Sara wouldn’t give up my chair, I guess she traded smell for the need to be close t’ me.

They head out, prob’ly to their mom’s, and Manny brings in the equipment then gets in the space suit, it’s really just a sterile jumpsuit that keeps us clean while we work, but it looks like somethin’ they’d wear on the space shuttle.  Workin’ with blood ain’t safe see.  He knows my blood is clean, we get tested every 6 months to be sure, but he also knows not all the blood here is mine.

I’m startin’ to feel funny, the fact that I’m feelin’ anything at all is weird too.  Peace, calm, even joy.  I can’t explain it but I feel so much better about everythin’.

I see Manny washin’ up my blood.  I thought for sure I was stuck in that room for good, but I guess I ain’t.  How’s this happenin’?

It’s him!  Manny!  His cleanin’ is releasin’ me, lettin’ my soul drift up and away.

Here I thought I wasted my life, cleanin’ up after people who did things in life, but now I know the truth.  I released souls who were stuck in limbo because of their sudden violent deaths.  I helped so many souls!  I can feel them all, I am becomin’ part of them.

My beautiful love Sara, I’ll watch over you and our child, but now it’s time for me to rest in peace.